CSI QUOTE ARCHIVE: CATHERINE WILLOWS SEASON 5 QUOTES
5.01 Viva Las Vegas
Catherine: “Why is it you guys can never hit the bowl?”
Vartann: “You know, if this guy took Viagra, you’re lucky he hit the floor and not the ceiling.”
Doc Robbins: “The only other thing I found was a swollen ankle.”
Catherine: “Well, you ever try shaking your ass in four-inch heels? Don’t answer that.”
Catherine: “The more docile the john, the easier the job, except when you need him to save your life.”
Catherine: “Grissom, You can’t possibly call that thing my office. It’s a cupboard.”
Vartann: “Housekeeping found Mr Johnson passed out on the bed next to the victim and alerted security. Apparently he just came to.”
Catherine: “With the worst hangover a guy could ever have.”
5.02 Down The Drain
Catherine (to Warrick): “This isn’t about drugs or beating up homeless dudes. It’s just plain stupidity.”
Catherine (to Grissom about searching the sewer): “Aren’t we at least gonna draw straws?”
Catherine(from sewer): “Excuse me! Down here!”
Man waiting for bus: “What’s your problem, sweetie?”
Catherine: “No problem, sir. I’m just wanting to know what street I’m on…under.”
Man waiting for bus: “It’s Industrial, just south of Tropicana.”
Catherine: “Thank you!”
Man waiting for bus: “And I’m not holding the bus!”
Catherine: “Don’t bother!”
5.03 Harvest
Catherine: “I don’t want my daughter to be this frightened, paranoid kid who’s always looking over her shoulder.”
Catherine: “You put one child over the other…”
Doc Robbins: “Kids don’t belong in the coroner’s office unless they’re in a drawer. You should have found a different way to deal with your daughter’s rebellion.”
Catherine: “With all due respect, Doc, this doesn’t concern you.”
Doc Robbins: “Ever notice how childhood keeps getting shorter and shorter. Whose fault is that?”
Catherine: “I honestly don’t know.”
5.04 Crow’s Feet
Catherine: “Make a muscle, Nicky.”
Nick: “What?”
Catherine: “Roll up your sleeve, make a muscle.” (Nick rolls up his sleeve and makes a muscle. Catherine feels the muscle.)
Catherine: (impressed) “Oh. Now, how much time and effort went into this? I’m gonna guess five days a week at the gym, low carb, low fat, slow burn, and for what, Nicky? For what?”
Nick: “That’s a good point, but it’s not the same thing.”
Catherine: “No. It’s nice, though.”
Nick: “Well, thanks, I’m not even flexing it yet either.”
Catherine: “Really? But it’s rock hard.”
Travis: “When I used to play ball for The Stars we would pee on our palms during spring training. Toughen them up, you know.”
Catherine: “Remind me never to shake your hand.”
Travis: “I’d put on a glove first.”
Catherine: “That’s always a good idea.”
Nick: “Botox injections $500, Restylane injections $500, Micropeel $300.”
Catherine: “It’s my car payment.”
Nick: “You don’t actually think you need this stuff, do you?”
Catherine: “It’s Vegas, Nicky. Everybody needs it!”
Nick: “Nah, you don’t!”
Catherine: “Okay, it’s my turn now. Clear the scene.”
Suspect: “Mom was uncomfortable around my four year old.”
Nick: “Why’s that?”
Suspect: “Made her feel old.”
Catherine: “Grandma was a dirty word.”
5.05 Swap Meet
Catherine(to Grissom): “I know that you got the memo, not sure that you read it. Ecklie is being promoted to assistant director. They’re taking applications for his supervision spot on days. I want it.”
5.06 What’s Eating Gilbert Grissom?
Catherine: “What’s with the tape?”
Greg: “The evidence wasn’t cooperating. So I stuck it to them”
Catherine: “Cute”
5.07 Formalities
(Grissom is struggling with his bowtie, Catherine comes up behind him)
Catherine: “What are you doing?”
Grissom: “I’m going insane. I can’t understand this diagram.”
Catherine: “You don’t need a diagram, you need a woman.” (She comes up behind him and takes over tying the tie.)
Catherine: “A napkin is not a speech.”
Catherine: (looking at a surveillance video of a teenage boy in an elevator) “You crack this kid’s head open, all that would come out would be T&A.”
Greg: “I think you said that about me once.”
Catherine: “Actually, more than once.”
Catherine: “Tell me something.”
Greg: “I think my eyes need band-aids.”
Catherine: “Tough shift.”
Warrick: “Hey guys, I got a work card hit off that maple syrup print.”
Catherine: “Let me guess, Mrs. Butterworth?”
5.08 Ch-Ch-Changes
Catherine: “Women in convertibles are low-hanging fruit.”
Grissom: “Did you ever see any transsexuals when you danced?”
Catherine: “Gil, only civilians confuse strippers and showgirls. You can’t cheat the full Monty.”
Nick: “Catherine, what do you think went on here?”
Catherine: “Someone outsourced their health care to the wrong provider.”
5.09 Mea Culpa (None yet)
Nick: “Catherine, do you remember why you were late to this crime scene? Eddie had a gig, and you couldn’t find a babysitter.”
Catherine: “Actually, I kind of made that up. Eddie did have a gig. It ended early, and he and I…well, let’s just say that not all of my memories of him are bad ones.”
Hodges: “Boy, Conrad was pissed when I told him about the hairs.”
Catherine: “You told Ecklie?”
Hodges: “Oh yeah. We’re friends. I sent him a card for his promotion. He was very touched by my thoughtfulness.”
Catherine: (sarcasm) “Oh, we all are.”
Catherine (to Ecklie): “Are you doing all this for the sake of the lab or to indict Grissom?”
5.10 No Humans Involved
Catherine: “Taking your pet for a walk?”
Grissom: “I know how much you like my little fetal pig, so I’m giving him to you as an office-warming gift.”
Catherine: “That is so thoughtful. Now tell me why you really stopped by. You checking up on me?”
Grissom: “No.”
Catherine: “What’ve you heard? Who talked to you?”
Grissom: “See? You’ve only been on the job a week and you’re already paranoid.”
Catherine: “Did you ever play politics?”
Grissom: “I once ran for president of the science club in junior high. Mary Hardy beat me out by one vote.”
Catherine: “I’m going to guess that you didn’t vote for yourself.”
Grissom: “I’m not any good at politics. And it’s cost me. It’s how I lost Nick and Warrick.”
Catherine: “Your loss was my gain.”
Grissom: “Yeah. And at least they’re in good hands.”
5.11: Who Shot Sherlock?
Ecklie “Did I make a mistake promoting you?”
Catherine “Yeah, you should’ve given me days. But I’m making it work.”
Catherine: “Watch it wiggle. See it jiggle. I get it.”
Catherine: “So I know that I’ve never said this to you guys before, but… hide the evidence.”
Nick: “Thanks for getting our back.”
Catherine: “We’re a team, guys.”
Warrick: “Oh, since we’re a team, you going to help us clean up?”
Nick: “Yeah.”
Catherine: (laughs) “No. I’m the boss.”
5.12 Snakes
Catherine: “Gang banger girlfriend with a degree?”
Catherine(to Nick after he walks out while Catherine is talking): “Something I said?”
Catherine: “She was run over by a Toyo Open Country MT 38 by 15.5 by 18. Now that’s a big ass truck tire”
5.13: Nesting Dolls
Catherine (to Grissom): “You can’t just destroy the skull and split!”
Catherine: (to Sara) “You’re mine tonight.”
Catherine: “I don’t know if she was buried alive, but she wasn’t buried alone.”
Catherine: “If the guy’s an abuser, if he killed his first wife, we will build a case and we’ll nail him.”
Catherine: “You know, every time we get a case with a hint of domestic violence or abuse, you go off the deep end. What is your problem?”
Sara: “Yeah, I probably do, and you let your sexuality cloud your judgment about men, and I’m gonna go over your head!”
Catherine: “A recycled love token… Now that’s tacky.”
Catherine: “Control her food, control her destiny. I don’t know.”
Warrick: “Look at this. (Holds up phone with the cord cut) She can’t even call out for pizza.”
Catherine: “Or help.”
Catherine: “So you can’t sell your kids, but you can buy the mother…”
5.14 Unbearable
Catherine (to Doc Robbins): “I had to see it with my own eyes. You’re actually autopsying a bear?”
Nick: “They’re called ‘canned hunts’. Going on all over the country.”
Catherine: “I? I’m sorry, there’s no sport in that. That’s just sick.”
5.15 King Baby
Grissom: “I’ve enjoyed working with you.”
Catherine: “Which part? The part where I got in your face or the part where I, uh, lost evidence, or, uh, maybe you just missed me?”
Grissom: “I did miss you. I missed your passion and your tenacity. I even missed your tush.”
Grissom: “It’s nothing personal, Catherine. Cases like this rain down hard, you need all the help you can get.”
Catherine: “I need help, not supervision”
Catherine: “I think that Bruce just wanted the same thing as every other guy.”
Grissom: “Nurturing?”
Catherine: “Easy access.”
Catherine: “The drug spike that Mia detected in Bruce’s diaper, Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. LSD.”
5.16 Big Middle
Catherine: “The only thing that sports book means to me is guys without showers.”
Warrick: (laughs) “That’s actually true.”
Warrick: “Who do you like?”
Catherine: “Charlotte. My mother grew up in North Carolina.”
Warrick: “Okay, I’ll give you Charlotte +2.”
Catherine: “What do I get if I win?”
Warrick: “How about a fabulous dinner?”
Catherine: “I’ll take your action.”
5.17 Compulsion
Catherine: “Warrick, you are approximately the height of Martin Hopkins. Nick, you and the homeless dude are about the same, and Judy, you’re close to Matt. The white sweaters, which you all look so adorable in, are the same fiber as the bloody one.”
Catherine: “I want you each to take a whack at our vic.”
Judy: “Just like Chucky Cheese. Whack-A-Mole.”
Catherine: “Spatter up.”
5.18 Spark of Life
Catherine (to Hodges): “It’s hard to look and not touch, isn’t it?”
Catherine: “Never underestimate the fragility of a male ego.”
Hodges: “This is the broken glass and paper found on the floor of the master bedroom.”
Catherine: “Looks like a thermometer.”
Hodges: “Yes, but what kind?”
Catherine: “Do tell.”
5.19 4 x 4
Catherine: “Nick, I heard you were looking for the student directory to Butterfield Academy.”
Nick: “Yeah. How’d you get this? I talked to the head master, he wouldn’t give me jack.”
Catherine: “I pay tuition.”
Nick: “Your daughter goes to Butterfield? Wow, that’s a little pricey.”
Catherine: “She was at a crossroads, and I needed to put her in a school with tighter reins. You know when it comes to your kids, you find the money. You looking for a prom date?”
5.20 Hollywood Brass
(Catherine does not appear in this episode)
5.21 Committed
(Catherine does not appear in this episode)
5.22 Weeping Willows
Catherine (to Grissom when he sees the cut on her face): “I walked into a door. Can we not talk about it?”
Catherine: “I thought judges were supposed to be color blind.”
Catherine (to Novak when the police arrive at her house): “You came to my house.”
Catherine (to Novak): “You want to talk to me, call your lawyer. Set up an appointment down at PD.”
Catherine (to Grissom): “I went out after work. Is it a crime to want a little human contact?”
5.23 Iced
Warrick: “We used to come out here in high school. It was a seven acre lover’s lane.”
Catherine: “I thought you said you were a dork in high school?”
Catherine: “When the jury sees that tape, you’ll be going all the way..to jail.”
5.24 Grave Danger
Catherine: “Oh, my two favorite guys. So I’ve got an assault at Strip-O-Rama and a trash run at Flamingo. I’m too busy to play favorites so duke it out.”
Catherine (to Sam Braun’s date): “Zip it, Sweetheart.”
Catherine: “Somebody bag this money, please, and don’t get any funny ideas either.”
*graphics by forum member Andry