THE LATE, LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG FERGUSON, TRANSCRIPT OF INTERVIEW
April 3, 2008
Craig: I’ll tell you who I am talking about – our first guest tonight, who is a fantastic actress. She stars in the CSI uhhh…thing, which is, you know, the one that doesn’t have Carrot Top in it, the other one. (audience laughs). I can’t keep track of them all. Anyways, Thursday nights on CBS. Take a look at this.
(clip from CSI is shown)
Craig: Please welcome, Marg Helgenberger everybody! Marg Helgenberger! Welcome Marg!
Marg: Thank you!
Craig: How are you, darling?
Marg: It’s always a pleasure to be here.
Craig: You know, it’s lovely to see you, really, really lovely and I want to ask you something before…before we talk about the CSI and stuff…It’s…It’s just something that occurred to me. Have you ever been to Chestertown? (referring to her very low-cut blouse)
Craig: It occurred to me as you walked out.
Craig: I thought…I don’t know why I thought it. (Marg laughs)
Marg: Ummm…I haven’t. No.
Craig: Do you know where it is? Chestertown?
Marg: Tell me.
Craig: Ummm…Marg, it’s…
Marg: I have a feeling that I know…
Craig: I have a feeling you’re closer than you know. Yes… (audience laughs)
Craig: I…I’m very happy to see the big CSI show back on the TV. (Marg laughs).
Marg: Good segway.
Craig: Thank you. No, I’m known for them. Watch this (plays a whip cracking sound effect). You see! I know!
Craig: The CSI is back on the TV…
Marg: Beginning tomorrow night, after a three month hiatus or whatever it’s been.
Craig: Because of the writer’s strike.
Marg: That’s right.
Craig: Because you’ve just been standing around, not saying stuff.
Marg: That’s right.
Craig: You can’t solve crimes without writers.
Marg: (laughs) No.
Craig: You can’t!
Marg: And you can’t solve crimes without criminals.
Craig: That’s true! Oooh!
Marg: I don’t know why I said that…
Craig: Does that mean that you’re promoting criminals?
Marg: No, no, I don’t even know why I said that.
Craig: No, it’s true! You can’t have crime without criminals. Maybe we should thanks America’s criminals for making such entertaining shows for us.
Marg: Yeah, it’s been quite lucrative.
Craig: They have. Do you ever watch the, you know, the other cop shows, the real ones like COPS, where the…
Marg: Well, anytime I’m like channel surfing and I come upon COPS, I’m riveted to it, you know.
Craig: Me too.
Marg: I mean, and part of it is because it’s ‘Thank God, that’s not me! On the ground, you know, with my hands behind my back…’
Craig: I know! ‘That’s not my crack pipe! It’s not!’ When someone find a crack pipe in your pants, hold up! You know.
Marg: How about the tales they spin though? How did you…you know, it’s just…
Craig: Maybe they’re writers and they can’t…
Marg: Because…and a writer couldn’t write it that well.
Craig: They wouldn’t, no.
Marg: I mean, honestly.
Craig: Writers would write plots and other people and subplots and sexual tangents.
Marg: I know, I know.
Craig: No, ‘that’s not my crack pipe’…’That’s not my crack pipe’ should be a movie, actually. I….
Marg: Ummm, but yeah, I’m a fan of….
Craig: A fan of the real…
Marg: Well, if I happen upon them, I guess.
Craig: You don’t make it a point to. Sorry, I’m…
Marg: No, no. I got into The Wire actually this last season.
Craig: I haven’t seen that. I heard that’s fantastic, that show The Wire.
Marg: Yeah, and it was the last season too, you know.
Craig: Well, it will come out…
Marg: I guess you can get the discs because my son likes the show and we had gotten him the seasons of whatever…1,2,3. or…
Marg: Anyway, but that’s really, you know, a huge cast, a huge ensemble piece. I don’t know why I’m promoting another show other than my own, but (laughs)
Craig: You don’t need to promote your show. It’s CSI!
Marg: I’m so secure…I’m so secure that I don’t have…
Craig: It’s CSI. It’s not like they haven’t heard of it or they’re not going to watch. They’re going to watch. It’s CSI!
Marg: I know. It’s a good show though, The Wire. It really is.
Craig: Yeah, no, I’ve heard that.
Craig: What about…did you watch the uuhhh…you know, my favorite show so far this year, not a lot of crime in it, Project Runway.
Marg: I heard you’re a fan. Me too!
Craig: I love it. Christian was here!
Marg: I heard! I heard, and didn’t he refer to himself as ‘pocket gay’ or something like that?
Craig: Yeah, he did. He said he was pocket gay, which I don’t really understand that.
Marg: Because he’s, well he’s minute. He’s tiny, isn’t he?
Craig: Yeah I know, but your size…it doesn’t…it’s doesn’t depend how gay you are by what size you are…(Marg laughs)
Craig: It’s not like, you know, (laughs)…I don’t want to have this conversation. (Marg and Craig laugh).
Craig: Because let’s just say, it’s not the size that counts, it’s what you…well, never mind.
Craig: No, I like the Project Runway because it’s a reality show and it has a lot of talented people in it.
Marg: Right. I…exactly.
Craig: As opposed to, you know, who wants to marry a, you know…
Marg: Or Flavor of Love, you know and all those (laughs).
Craig: Do you watch that? It’s fantastic, isn’t it? Isn’t it great? Did you see…
Marg: I have to say, I have caught it a few times. For whatever reason, my son likes that one too. He likes rappers and …
Craig: I am with them on it because…did you see the one where the woman pooped on the floor?
Craig: Oh my God!
Marg: For real?!
Craig: Yeah! She pooped on the floor! And, one of the women…and she wasn’t the one who got voted out that week! (Marg laughs)
Craig: I mean, you got to figure, what did the person who got voted out do to out gross the person who went to the bathroom…
Marg: They go for the ones that are disgusting and bitchy, and you know…
Craig: Yeah, yeah. Listen, bitchy is okay. Incontinent is too extreme for me. (Marg laughs)
Craig: I don’t mind a bit of bitchy, but no, clean it up yourself, girl.
Marg: But, you know when he gives them the nicknames…(laughs)
Craig: I know! You should do that in CSI! (audience laughs). It would be great!
Marg: What do you mean? A crime that takes place on Flavor of Love?
Craig: Why not?! It’d be great. And then you’d have to go in and investigate all of the different…
Marg: I think it would be hilarious personally. It would be hilarious.
Craig: I think it’s a show…it’s a season finale. (Marg laughs).
Marg: Well, maybe a season opener because we’re almost at…God, we’re almost at the end of our season. It’s so weird – it was just like this chunk of episodes taken out of the middle.
Craig: I think this whole season thing with television is going to go away. You’re going to have to work the way I work, every damned night of the week.
Marg: Well, you know…(everyone laughs). How do you do it, by the way?
Craig: Ummm, I just gotta show up and well, what do I do? I just talk. You know, I say stuff about poop and then the show is over. (Marg and the audience laugh).
Craig: It’s kind of true! Really! (more laughter)
Craig: Anyway, CSI…CSI, it’s tomorrow night, isn’t it?
Marg: Yeah, we’re back on the air tomorrow night.
Craig: Back on the air tomorrow night with the lovely Marg Helgenberger.
Marg: All new episodes!
Craig: We’ll be right back, everybody!