THE LATE, LATE SHOW WITH CRAIG FERGUSON, TRANSCRIPT OF INTERVIEW
April 3, 2008
Craig: Iāll tell you who I am talking about – our first guest tonight, who is a fantastic actress. She stars in the CSI uhhhā¦thing, which is, you know, the one that doesnāt have Carrot Top in it, the other one. (audience laughs). I canāt keep track of them all. Anyways, Thursday nights on CBS. Take a look at this.
(clip from CSI is shown)
Craig: Please welcome, Marg Helgenberger everybody! Marg Helgenberger! Welcome Marg!
Marg: Thank you!
Craig: How are you, darling?
Marg: Itās always a pleasure to be here.
Craig: You know, itās lovely to see you, really, really lovely and I want to ask you something beforeā¦before we talk about the CSI and stuffā¦Itāsā¦Itās just something that occurred to me. Have you ever been to Chestertown? (referring to her very low-cut blouse)
(audience laughs)
Craig: It occurred to me as you walked out.
Marg: Really?
Craig: I thoughtā¦I donāt know why I thought it. (Marg laughs)
Marg: Ummmā¦I havenāt. No.
Craig: Do you know where it is? Chestertown?
Marg: Tell me.
Craig: Ummmā¦Marg, itāsā¦
Marg: I have a feeling that I knowā¦
Craig: I have a feeling youāre closer than you know. Yesā¦ (audience laughs)
Craig: Iā¦Iām very happy to see the big CSI show back on the TV. (Marg laughs).
Marg: Good segway.
Craig: Thank you. No, Iām known for them. Watch this (plays a whip cracking sound effect). You see! I know!
Craig: The CSI is back on the TVā¦
Marg: Beginning tomorrow night, after a three month hiatus or whatever itās been.
Craig: Because of the writerās strike.
Marg: Thatās right.
Craig: Because youāve just been standing around, not saying stuff.
Marg: Thatās right.
Craig: You canāt solve crimes without writers.
Marg: (laughs) No.
Craig: You canāt!
Marg: And you canāt solve crimes without criminals.
Craig: Thatās true! Oooh!
Marg: I donāt know why I said thatā¦
Craig: Does that mean that youāre promoting criminals?
Marg: No, no, I donāt even know why I said that.
Craig: No, itās true! You canāt have crime without criminals. Maybe we should thanks Americaās criminals for making such entertaining shows for us.
Marg: Yeah, itās been quite lucrative.
Craig: They have. Do you ever watch the, you know, the other cop shows, the real ones like COPS, where theā¦
Marg: Well, anytime Iām like channel surfing and I come upon COPS, Iām riveted to it, you know.
Craig: Me too.
Marg: I mean, and part of it is because itās āThank God, thatās not me! On the ground, you know, with my hands behind my backā¦ā
Craig: I know! āThatās not my crack pipe! Itās not!ā When someone find a crack pipe in your pants, hold up! You know.
Marg: How about the tales they spin though? How did youā¦you know, itās justā¦
Craig: Maybe theyāre writers and they canātā¦
Marg: Becauseā¦and a writer couldnāt write it that well.
Craig: They wouldnāt, no.
Marg: I mean, honestly.
Craig: Writers would write plots and other people and subplots and sexual tangents.
Marg: I know, I know.
Craig: No, āthatās not my crack pipeāā¦āThatās not my crack pipeā should be a movie, actually. Iā¦.
Marg: Ummm, but yeah, Iām a fan ofā¦.
Craig: A fan of the realā¦
Marg: Well, if I happen upon them, I guess.
Craig: You donāt make it a point to. Sorry, Iāmā¦
Marg: No, no. I got into The Wire actually this last season.
Craig: I havenāt seen that. I heard thatās fantastic, that show The Wire.
Marg: Yeah, and it was the last season too, you know.
Craig: Well, it will come outā¦
Marg: I guess you can get the discs because my son likes the show and we had gotten him the seasons of whateverā¦1,2,3. orā¦
Craig: Right.
Marg: Anyway, but thatās really, you know, a huge cast, a huge ensemble piece. I donāt know why Iām promoting another show other than my own, but (laughs)
Craig: You donāt need to promote your show. Itās CSI!
Marg: Iām so secureā¦Iām so secure that I donāt haveā¦
Craig: Itās CSI. Itās not like they havenāt heard of it or theyāre not going to watch. Theyāre going to watch. Itās CSI!
Marg: I know. Itās a good show though, The Wire. It really is.
Craig: Yeah, no, Iāve heard that.
Craig: What aboutā¦did you watch the uuhhhā¦you know, my favorite show so far this year, not a lot of crime in it, Project Runway.
Marg: I heard youāre a fan. Me too!
Craig: I love it. Christian was here!
Marg: I heard! I heard, and didnāt he refer to himself as āpocket gayā or something like that?
Craig: Yeah, he did. He said he was pocket gay, which I donāt really understand that.
Marg: Because heās, well heās minute. Heās tiny, isnāt he?
Craig: Yeah I know, but your sizeā¦it doesnātā¦itās doesnāt depend how gay you are by what size you areā¦(Marg laughs)
Craig: Itās not like, you know, (laughs)ā¦I donāt want to have this conversation. (Marg and Craig laugh).
Craig: Because letās just say, itās not the size that counts, itās what youā¦well, never mind.
Marg: Yeah.
Craig: No, I like the Project Runway because itās a reality show and it has a lot of talented people in it.
Marg: Right. Iā¦exactly.
Craig: As opposed to, you know, who wants to marry a, you knowā¦
Marg: Or Flavor of Love, you know and all those (laughs).
Craig: Do you watch that? Itās fantastic, isnāt it? Isnāt it great? Did you seeā¦
Marg: I have to say, I have caught it a few times. For whatever reason, my son likes that one too. He likes rappers and ā¦
Craig: I am with them on it becauseā¦did you see the one where the woman pooped on the floor?
Marg: NO!
Craig: Oh my God!
Marg: For real?!
Craig: Yeah! She pooped on the floor! And, one of the womenā¦and she wasnāt the one who got voted out that week! (Marg laughs)
Craig: I mean, you got to figure, what did the person who got voted out do to out gross the person who went to the bathroomā¦
Marg: They go for the ones that are disgusting and bitchy, and you knowā¦
Craig: Yeah, yeah. Listen, bitchy is okay. Incontinent is too extreme for me. (Marg laughs)
Craig: I donāt mind a bit of bitchy, but no, clean it up yourself, girl.
Marg: But, you know when he gives them the nicknamesā¦(laughs)
Craig: I know! You should do that in CSI! (audience laughs). It would be great!
Marg: What do you mean? A crime that takes place on Flavor of Love?
Craig: Why not?! Itād be great. And then youād have to go in and investigate all of the differentā¦
Marg: I think it would be hilarious personally. It would be hilarious.
Craig: I think itās a showā¦itās a season finale. (Marg laughs).
Marg: Well, maybe a season opener because weāre almost atā¦God, weāre almost at the end of our season. Itās so weird ā it was just like this chunk of episodes taken out of the middle.
Craig: I think this whole season thing with television is going to go away. Youāre going to have to work the way I work, every damned night of the week.
Marg: Well, you knowā¦(everyone laughs). How do you do it, by the way?
Craig: Ummm, I just gotta show up and well, what do I do? I just talk. You know, I say stuff about poop and then the show is over. (Marg and the audience laugh).
Craig: Itās kind of true! Really! (more laughter)
Craig: Anyway, CSIā¦CSI, itās tomorrow night, isnāt it?
Marg: Yeah, weāre back on the air tomorrow night.
Craig: Back on the air tomorrow night with the lovely Marg Helgenberger.
Marg: All new episodes!
Craig: Weāll be right back, everybody!